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One Liners
"I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."
- Stephen Wright

If Democrats believe that hanky panky without penetration does not count as sex, why should a ballot without penetration count as a vote?
- Anonymous

"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours.' He said, 'Yea, but not in a row.'"
- Stephen Wright

Rules Of The South
A friend of mine is going to be visiting the South in a few weeks. So I felt that he needed instructions for outsiders when visiting the South:

1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at the Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your butt.

2. Don't laugh at our Southern names like Billy Joe, Luther Ray, Bubba, Junior, Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Tammy Lynn, Sissy, etc. These people have all been known to kick butt.

3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying flip whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a butt kicking.

4. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your butt.

5. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut your mouth, spend your money, and get the heck out of here -- or we'll kick your butt.

6. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your butt.

7. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your butt kicked.

8. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a flip. Many of us have visited hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, LA, New York and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your Yankee butt home before it gets kicked.

9. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your butt.

10. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your butt all the way back into Boston Harbor.

11. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your butt just like they did ours.

12. So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime- infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your butt.

13. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your butt.

14. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your butt.

15. So what if some of our family trees don't branch. We don't have two heads and we don't walk like Californians or New Yorkers. If you joke about our families, we'll kick your butt all the way back to New York.

16. Our blue collar workers are proud of their jobs. So if you see diplomas on their walls with "Trucking Institute" on them, you better not laugh or she'll kick your butt.

17. We've heard every redneck joke there is. In fact, we invented them. And no, we don't go to family reunions to pick up babes. So don't try to make us laugh with your jokes or the rednecks will stick a moon pie up your butt and make you sing Dixie.

18. We are proud of our belt buckles. In some cases it's our only form of ID. So if you make fun of it, you'll have it branded on your butt.

19. Yes, we still ride horses to get around some parts. If we see you staring at us like you've never seen a horse before, we'll get the horse to kick your butt.

20. Don't be alarmed when you see a gun rack in the back of a truck window. It's legal in the south and it keeps the crime rate down. If they see you pointing at it and talking about the movie "Easy Rider," you'll get your butt shot off.

21. If by some freak of nature it snows while you're here, do not attempt to drive on the roads with a bunch of Southerners. The only ice we're familiar with is bought at 7/11 and used for our fish and bait. If you get your butt kicked on the road, it's your own stupid fault.

22. If you get caught speeding in a small town, don't expect to be leaving any time soon. The sheriffs are usually bored and don't get to drive BMWs very often. So while you're talking with the judge, they'll be driving your car. If you complain about it, they will kick your Yankee butt.

23. If you hear a bunch of southerners start getting rowdy and saying "Yeeee-hawwww" then it's best to stay away. If they see you in your oxford shirts watching them, then you're only asking to get your Yankee butt kicked.

24. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way or they will kick your butt. This is what they live for.

25. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not ask them if they have Pierre water, or they will kick your butt.

26. Remember "ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All ya'll's" is plural possessive. If you don't say it right everyone will know you're a Yankee and kick your butt.

27. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?" If you lie, they will know and your butt will be red.

28. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'" as in "big ol' truck." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. If you try to deny it they will kick your big ol' butt.

29. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook Barbecue. This will get your butt shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box-minus your butt.

PS - Florida is *not* considered a southern state. There are way too many Yankees living down there and the south has disowned them. So none of these rules apply if you go there.

Now, ya'll have a nice day, ya' hear?

You're probably from New Orleans if...
Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

You go to buy a new winter coat and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads.

You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it.

You leave a parade with footprints on your hands.

Your first sentence was "Throw me something mistah" and your first drink was from a go-cup.

You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.

You watch a movie filmed in New Orleans and say things like "Der ain't no way they can run out of a cemetery right on to Bourbon Street".

You have a parade ladder in your shed.

Every so often, you have waterfront property.

Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under.

You consider a Bloody Mary a light breakfast.

You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with a Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.

The smell of a crawfish boil turns you on more than Chanel #5.

You wrench your hands in the zinc with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.

You're not afraid when someone wants to ax you something.

You go by ya mom-en-ems on Good Friday for family supper.

You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras throws.

You like your rice and politics dirty.

You reply to anything and everything about life here with "Only in Nahlins."

You have a monogrammed go-cup.

You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods. (they float out of the ground if you plant them, then you gotta bury them all over again)

Husband 1.0
FROM: Jane
TO: Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installs many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1. It also installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs. When I click on it, the system crashes. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

FROM: Tech Support
TO: Jane
Subject: Upgrade Dangers

Yours is a common problem women complain about and is mostly due to a misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heart Break 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6.

A final word of caution! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-in-Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until Mother In Law 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

My Vacation Photo
Hey All,

Looking to sell a good digital camera.

Not needed any longer as I'll be in the hospital for some time.

I'm including the last photo that I took so that you have some idea about the picture quality.

Favorite Internet Photos