A friend of mine is going to be visiting the South in a few weeks. So I felt that he needed instructions for outsiders when visiting the South:
1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at the Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your butt.
2. Don't laugh at our Southern names like Billy Joe, Luther Ray, Bubba, Junior, Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Tammy Lynn, Sissy, etc. These people have all been known to kick butt.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying flip whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a butt kicking.
4. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your butt.
5. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut your mouth, spend your money, and get the heck out of here -- or we'll kick your butt.
6. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your butt.
7. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your butt kicked.
8. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a flip. Many of us have visited hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, LA, New York and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your Yankee butt home before it gets kicked.
9. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your butt.
10. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your butt all the way back into Boston Harbor.
11. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your butt just like they did ours.
12. So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime- infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your butt.
13. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your butt.
14. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your butt.
15. So what if some of our family trees don't branch. We don't have two heads and we don't walk like Californians or New Yorkers. If you joke about our families, we'll kick your butt all the way back to New York.
16. Our blue collar workers are proud of their jobs. So if you see diplomas on their walls with "Trucking Institute" on them, you better not laugh or she'll kick your butt.
17. We've heard every redneck joke there is. In fact, we invented them. And no, we don't go to family reunions to pick up babes. So don't try to make us laugh with your jokes or the rednecks will stick a moon pie up your butt and make you sing Dixie.
18. We are proud of our belt buckles. In some cases it's our only form of ID. So if you make fun of it, you'll have it branded on your butt.
19. Yes, we still ride horses to get around some parts. If we see you staring at us like you've never seen a horse before, we'll get the horse to kick your butt.
20. Don't be alarmed when you see a gun rack in the back of a truck window. It's legal in the south and it keeps the crime rate down. If they see you pointing at it and talking about the movie "Easy Rider," you'll get your butt shot off.
21. If by some freak of nature it snows while you're here, do not attempt to drive on the roads with a bunch of Southerners. The only ice we're familiar with is bought at 7/11 and used for our fish and bait. If you get your butt kicked on the road, it's your own stupid fault.
22. If you get caught speeding in a small town, don't expect to be leaving any time soon. The sheriffs are usually bored and don't get to drive BMWs very often. So while you're talking with the judge, they'll be driving your car. If you complain about it, they will kick your Yankee butt.
23. If you hear a bunch of southerners start getting rowdy and saying "Yeeee-hawwww" then it's best to stay away. If they see you in your oxford shirts watching them, then you're only asking to get your Yankee butt kicked.
24. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way or they will kick your butt. This is what they live for.
25. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not ask them if they have Pierre water, or they will kick your butt.
26. Remember "ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All ya'll's" is plural possessive. If you don't say it right everyone will know you're a Yankee and kick your butt.
27. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?" If you lie, they will know and your butt will be red.
28. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'" as in "big ol' truck." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. If you try to deny it they will kick your big ol' butt.
29. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook Barbecue. This will get your butt shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box-minus your butt.
PS - Florida is *not* considered a southern state. There are way too many Yankees living down there and the south has disowned them. So none of these rules apply if you go there.
Now, ya'll have a nice day, ya' hear?